50 Funniest "Family Guy" Quotes

Updated August 24, 2023 | Infoplease Staff

Are you a fan of irreverent humor, absurdity, and non-sequiturs? Look no further than "Family Guy", the animated sitcom that has been entertaining audiences for over two decades. From the dysfunctional Griffin family to the residents of Quahog, Rhode Island, the show has no shortage of memorable characters and hilarious moments. To celebrate the show's wit and humor, we've compiled a list of the best Family Guy quotes that will have you laughing out loud and quoting them for weeks to come. So sit back, grab a Pawtucket Patriot Ale, and get ready to chuckle your way through this list of comedic gems.

50 "Family Guy" Quotes (Fun & Funniest)

Whether it's Peter's nonsensical ramblings, Stewie's British-accented musings, or Brian's biting sarcasm, the show is filled with hilarious lines that have become part of our cultural lexicon. Need a witty comeback for a snarky coworker? Quote Brian. Want to impress your friends with your knowledge of pop culture? Drop a reference to a Family Guy cutaway gag. With its endless stream of quotable moments, "Family Guy" has become a goldmine for comedy fans, including the following 50 quotes.

"I'm not a failure because I didn't succeed. I'm a failure because I didn't try." — Peter Griffin.
"Oh, look, a barbershop quartet in four-part harmony. That takes skill!" — Peter Griffin.
"Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you're still not wearing a tuxedo. What are you, a farmer?" — Brian.
"Nothing beats a haunted moonlit night on All Hallows Eve... And on this fatal night, at this witching time, the starless sky laments black and unmoving. The somber hues of an ominous, dark forest are suddenly illuminated under the emerging face of the full moon." — Herbert.
"I'm gonna go upstairs and do the right thing." — Peter Griffin (then proceeds to go upstairs and watch TV).

via GIPHY
"I refuse to be a part of a society that encourages the rampant abuse of alcohol." — Brian.
"I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure." — Homer Simpson (guest appearance on Family Guy).
"Sarcasm is the refuge of losers." — Brian.
"Oh, it's so cute! It's like a little baby unicorn!" — Stewie Griffin.
"I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive." — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"You're a woman, you're used to doing things you don't want to do." — Peter Griffin.
"Oh, my God, Brian, you're a genius! I mean, I knew you were smart, but you're, like, Einstein-level smart." — Stewie Griffin.
"I'd like to propose a toast to our nation's schools. Without them, we'd all be home-schooled." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm sorry, Lois, but an airplane's just not the natural habitat for a dog. It goes against the laws of nature." — Brian.
"Congratulations, Lois, you've given birth to a full-grown man." — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"I'm like a superhero, but without the super." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm not a fat guy in a little coat. I'm a fat guy in a big coat." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm not a doctor, but I'll take a look." — Peter Griffin.
"Come on, you guys, let's not turn an argument into a who's right discussion." — Chris Griffin.
"I didn't cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now." — Peter Griffin (in an Irish accent).

via GIPHY
"I'm not an actor, I'm a [bleep] star." — Peter Griffin (censored for TV).
"Oh, cr*p. I have a date tonight." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm not a fan of reality TV. Unless it's the news. Then I'm all in." — Brian.
"I don't like things that end in 'ish.' Jewish, Irish... those are okay." — Peter Griffin.
"You know what the problem with being a woman is? Eventually, you start to think like one." — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"You see, Brian, I'm the one who makes the rules up around here." — Stewie Griffin.
"The only way to kill a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." — Peter Griffin.
"I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm not drunk, I'm just exhausted from staying up all night drinking." — Peter Griffin.
"Oh, my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'" — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"You know what really grinds my gears? People who don't return their shopping carts." — Peter Griffin.
"Victory is mine!" — Stewie Griffin.
"Oh, no, I spilled my beer. I better put on my beer coat." — Peter Griffin.
"I'm not saying you're not smart, I'm just saying I'm smarter." — Brian.
"Oh, my God, who the hell cares?" — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"You know, I'm not sure if I like Meg or not. It's like sometimes I feel sorry for her 'cause she's such a loser, but then I think, 'Man, she's such a skank.' Then I'm like, 'Forget it.'" — Chris Griffin.
"It's not a purse, it's a European carry-all." — Jerry (guest appearance on Family Guy).
"I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." — Peter Griffin.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin (guest appearance on Family Guy).
"I'm not going to apologize for being a monster." — Stewie Griffin.

via GIPHY
"You know, people like to blame the media for everything, but how can you blame us for something like this?" — Tom Tucker.
"I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge, right now we're at DEFCON 1." — Homer Simpson (guest appearance on Family Guy).
"I'm not a hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else." — Lois Griffin.
"Victory is mine!" — Stewie Griffin.
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." — Peter Griffin.

via GIPHY
"I'm a white male between the ages of 18 and 49 with a loud mouth and an opinion on everything." — Peter Griffin.
"You know what they say, 'Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice... strike three.'" — Michael Bluth (guest appearance on Family Guy).
"I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor." — Stewie Griffin.
"I don't know how to say this, but I'm kind of a big deal." — Peter Griffin.on Family Guy).
"I'm not a monster, Lois. I'm just ahead of the curve." — Stewie Griffin.

via GIPHY

Lucky There's a Family Guy!

One of the reasons why "Family Guy" has been so successful is its ability to take everyday situations and turn them into comedic gold. Whether it's a dysfunctional family dinner or a trip to the grocery store, the show's writers always manage to find humor in the mundane.

But what really sets "Family Guy" apart are its characters, each with their own unique quirks and personalities. Peter's absurd rants and catchphrases, Brian's intellectualism, and Stewie's dry wit and accent have all become iconic in their own right. And while you're here, why not test yourself with Infoplease's Friends TV Show Quiz?